04.05.06

Okay, first things first. What is UP with that extremely creepy Skittles commercial with the guy and the beard? Not right, people.

So I'm over my little pre-mid-life freakout the other night. Don't mind me, I'm just having issues moving on from my official "youth."

Do you know what I was doing last year this time? I was holding a brand-spanking new baby and wondering what the heck I was going to do with it. Yep. My little guy is one year old today! Kinda blows my mind. I'll eventually get a montage of his birthday up on the blog, but let me just say how unbelievable amazing and wonderful it has been to have him in my life. You just can't understand it until you have one of your own, but it is the purest, most unselfish love I have ever felt in my life.

Everything that I have felt I might have missed out on in my life, and the getting older issues are somehow resolved for me in the fact that I had him. He is my greatest accomplishment and I even feel that some of my mistakes in life have been redeemed by bringing him into the world.

I have developed a sort of awe and reverence for the role of motherhood; I know this may sound hokey, but it is kind of a sacred calling for me. I think part of this is because I always felt that we (the kids) always seemed to come second in my divorced parents' lives. There were new marriages to maintain and step-kids to appease. We were schlepped around and left alone and were the ones who had to change schools and make the sacrifices so our parents could work on their new lives. So many children get shafted that way, and now that I have a child of my own, I am determined that he never feel like an afterthought or a problem to be dealt with.

I don't know if my feelings about being a mom are magnified because of my baggage--I don't have anything to compare it to--but part of me is so glad that I feel the way that I do. I was so worried that I wouldn't have it in me to be a good mom, and while I'm far from perfect, no one can say that he isn't a priority in my life. I treasure every moment, every smile, every milestone.

I'm sure this all sounds pretty melodramatic to some of you. Like I'm a make-your-own babyfood, baby-wearing, nurse-til-he's-seven granola mom (not that there's anything wrong with that). But I'm not. Far from it. I guess after living my life as a single Gen-X'er focused only on my own needs for so long, the amount of love and self-sacrifice I felt when Mason was born kind of blew my mind. I don't even define my life as being a mother, but motherhood has brought a level of richness and fulfillment to my life that I didn't know was possible.

I am looking forward to helping Mason grow and develop into a fully-functioning person of his own. Every day brings new discoveries and accomplishments. Seeing life through his eyes makes it all so new and exciting.

It's been a great year.

before ~ after