10.24.05
Muddle-muck.
It's a nonsense word that pretty much describes how I've been feeling the past month or so.
The move out to Arizona has been tough on me and I've realized lately that I've been a bit depressed. First of all, I miss my friends. A lot.
Second of all, my house is a disaster and I feel a bit like a failure for not being able to keep it clean AND take care of a little baby. I know, I know, it's not priority right now, but both my cousin and my type-A stepmom seem to be able to handle baby and house at the same time, so why not ME? Plus, living in a cluttered house really brings me down. I just kind of feel like I'm never going to be able to get a handle on it all. Especially when/if we have more kids. I feel a bit like a failure sometimes.
Third, I'm tired of carrying this extra weight and not having ANY clothes to wear. I have lost some weight in the past two months; just enough so that the "big" clothes I bought a few months ago don't fit, but I'm no where near fitting into my old clothes that were getting tight on me even BEFORE I got pregnant. Most women will tell you that as much of a non-issue it should be, feeling fat is a MAJOR downer and seriously affects your self-image level. Especially since, hello, everyone and thier dog have gotten married in the past 6 months and I hate that my post-baby fat is immortalized in every family wedding photo forever and ever, amen.
Finally and perhaps worst of all, (sorry to get personal) my episiotomy from hell has still not healed (I�m terrified it won�t ever) and I cry every time we have sex (mostly from disappointment, not necessarily the pain) (oh, and um, J will kill me if I don't clarify that it's not that kind of disappointment--he's great--just disappointment that it�s still so uncomfortable and not�fun).
Hence the major blues. It saps my energy and I can't sleep. I didn't even really enjoy the trip to Mexico. I mean, I did, but not as much as I should have. HELLO!? Baby-free week in MEXICO. Gorgeous! Beaches! What is WRONG with me?
Anyway, I realized that I needed a serious overhaul. And this past week things have been�better.
I�ve finally gotten back to the gym. Ah, yoga is a healing balm to the soul. Not to mention it kicks my butt. It�s tough to fit it in since I go at night when J gets home and all I want to do is veg, but it�s been the best thing I�ve done in a while. My flabby belly has already gotten a bit smaller. My goal is ten pounds by Thanksgiving, and another 10 to 15 pounds after that. Plus, I got my hair cut and highlighted, which always helps.
Second, I�ve been spending time getting back in touch with my spirituality and focusing on my faith, which I�ve really put to the side the past year. This may not mean much to most, but it means a lot to me and has definitely helped restore a sense of peace in general. (It�s how I survived the 8-hours of flying to Mexico and back without a major panic attack. Heh.)
Also, every one of those reasons listed above are so far from the life-altering events that so many others are going through I'm almost embarrassed to type them. It helps to remind myself of that fact.
So I�m feeling much better. I can do this. Life is good. My house is still a disaster, but hell, I�m not wonder-woman. One thing at a time.
Edited to add: Our thoughts and prayers are with the wonderful people of Playa Del Carmen during this time. Very eerie to think that a major hurricane hit only 2 weeks after we were just there.