11.14.05

So just got back from a quick trip to California to celebrate a best friend's recent engagement. Of course we took the baby and it was an ordeal, let me tell you. He got sick--his very first cold. (Note to parents: if your kids are sick, LEAVE THEM HOME. Please do not bring them to my house where they proceed to snot all over my kid's toys and then get him sick even though I went over everything with Clorox and scalding hot soapy water. Meh.) And I of course freaked out.

Man, I seriously need to learn to CALM-THE-HELL-DOWN. My normally extremely kind and mild-mannered husband finally had enough of my rantings and actually snapped a few times at me reminding me that, hello, nobody likes to be married to a bitch thank-you-very-much.

Ugh. I have issues.

Anyway, that was not the point of this entry. The point was that I had a lovely time with my dear, dear friend who I miss more than I will allow myself to think about. Then I remind myself not to be bitter, that even if J weren't planning on dragging me off to the frozen tundra of Idaho (a state formerly used only as a punchline in my world) that we never had any intention of staying in California so I wouldn't be near her anyway.

Speaking of living in Idaho, I have to say that it's not Idaho per se--because the part of Idaho where we will live is beautiful and just populated enough (not too much or too little) and is very near the mountains and we can actually afford a very nice home there--but it's more that we will be surrounded by his family and very far away from mine.

And his family...there is the drama. Oh yes.

In a nutshell: it has just come to light that his father has been cheating on his mother their entire marriage. He has had FIVE affairs that we all know about, in addition to a porn addiction (strip clubs, online, etc.), and on top of that has dragged his family heavily into debt with his many "hobbies." All the while, projecting an image and living a lifestyle that indicated that he would rather die than participate in any of those things.

The kicker is that his wife (a dear, sweet, woman who apparently does not have much self-esteem) has known about this all along and has decided to stay with him. At first I think it was mainly "for the children", and each time of course there was tears and a plea for forgiveness and a promise of change, but now I think it is mostly because she is afraid of being alone. Also, she deludes herself that �this time he is really going to change.� But why should he change when she has made it unbelievably easy for him not to?

Anyway, the dysfunction is great and I'm not going to be hypocritical and pretend that my family is all flowers and sunshine (my mother is getting married in a few months for the SIXTH time...yeah) but at least we are open about it. The fact that this man has told countless lies and STILL hasn't openly told any of his children about all this (word finally got out when someone came to his daughter about the latest affair and the mom finally confessed all but said that she felt they shouldn�t let their dad know that they know until he is ready to talk about it to them himself, which, HA, right) and everyone gets together and pretends that NOTHING IS GOING ON AND THINGS ARE THE SAME AS EVER WHEN EVERYONE KNOWS IT IS A BIG FAT LIE. That is NOT an environment I want my son growing up in.

I can't help that I don't trust my children around a man who is obviously extraordinarily adept at lying and covering up a complete double lifestyle (not to mention living with a woman who lets him get away with it).

What to do, what to do. I seriously don�t know.

I married my husband (and he is truly a wonderful, wonderful man who is NOTHING like his father, thank goodness) with the understanding that he wanted to go back and live and practice in Idaho. It was a hard pill to swallow for me, but ultimately he was worth it. Now, I suppose if I put up enough of a fuss and made his life difficult enough, he would give in and live where I wanted (in Arizona where my family is). But I would always worry on some level that my husband wasn't really happy and resented for it. Plus, all family issues aside, I think that we would have a good life in Idaho.

I suppose I will wait and see how things go around Christmastime. We�ll be there for a week or so. I would love to see everyone sit down and talk about this and see, for once, J�s father take responsibility for his actions and at least apologize. I probably wouldn�t be convinced, but at least it�s a start.

before ~ after