09.03.04

Confession: I have been dreaming about my exes a lot in the past few weeks (yes, again). It is very strange. I�m guessing it�s just a case of overactive hormones. I don�t mind except that last night I dreamt about The Ex (or Doug or whatever the hell I�m calling him now).

Sigh. Yes, this does get old after a while. Sorry.

I�ve mentioned before that I feel guilty sometimes when I dream about him. Well, maybe not so much the dreaming part, but the fact that it always makes me a little sad when I do. Just because I know J wouldn�t understand that. But I�ve been thinking about it and here is what I�ve come to conclude:

My grandmother passed away about 10 years ago. Most of the time it doesn�t affect my daily life, and, honestly, I don�t think about it every day. But every now and then, something will happen that reminds me of her, or something I would want to share with her comes up, and I really, really miss her. I miss talking to her, I miss getting her advice. And of course, even though she is gone it doesn�t mean that the love I had for her died as well.

Well, I was with Doug for 10 years. He was my very best friend for all that time. He was a part of my life the same way a family member is an important part of my life. And sometimes�I miss him. I miss the friend that he was to me. I miss the jokes that we shared. I wonder about the person he has become and if he is happy. I care about him and miss him the way you would about a loved one or good friend that you haven�t seen in years.

And when part of me feels bad for that, I have to remind myself that just because I have these feelings, doesn�t mean I don�t love J. Missing my grandmother doesn�t make me love my other grandparents any less. It just means that she was a big part of my life and�I miss her.

Gah. Emotions are such a complicated thing.

Don�t get me wrong. Doug and I would have made a HORRIBLE married couple. Whew. Talk about issues. But we made for really great friends. It was just unfortunate that I happened to be in love with him.

So today, the old hurts are aching a little and I am feeling sad. The truth is, people don�t replace each other. Just because you get a new boyfriend, or a new wife, or a new child, or even a new puppy, for crying out loud, it doesn�t mean that that hole where someone you love used to be is automatically filled up. And it definitely doesn�t mean that the insecurities that I developed from that relationship and its failure have disappeared.

So I�m going to go read the adorable card that the Best Husband in the World gave me the other morning Just Because and remind myself that I am blessed. I love my husband so much and wouldn�t trade him for Doug--for anyone--for all the money in the world (trust me, I had my chances to go back to Doug over the years; fortunately I had wised up by then).

And Doug, wherever you are, I hope that you are happy and doing well. And I hope that you eventually get out of that fiery plane crash that I dreamed you were in last night. Tough luck, that.

:::

The doctor�s appointment yesterday went really well. At first, when they tried to do the Doppler, the nurse couldn�t get a heartbeat. I wasn�t too worried (because I feel so very pregnant still), but the doctor offered to do a quick ultrasound so I thought, why not?

Wow. What a difference a few weeks can make! All of the sudden this strange alien thing is actually looking like a baby! There were arms and legs and fingers and toes. And, yes, much to my relief, a tiny little heartbeat. Whew. I feel like I can relax a little now. Almost through the first trimester and everything is looking great.

The doctor wants to see me again in two weeks! Hmm. Does he think something might go wrong? Most doctors only see you once a month, and that is after waiting until week 12 or so for the first visit! But I guess I am still in my first trimester, so maybe he�s just playing it safe.

I like this doctor. He always makes it a point at the end of a visit to stop and look me in the eyes and ask, �So how are you doing?� like he really cares. (Um, except he says it in a total non-Joey type way.)

before ~ after