08.11.04

Well, we�re back from visiting J�s family and I am feeling more tired than before we left. We didn�t really do anything exciting, just visited family and attended J�s 10-year high school reunion. I felt pretty yucky (funny how I can�t seem to find a better word to describe it than that) the whole time, though, and I slept miserably most of the nights we were there. It was fun telling his family about the impending offspring; he already has 2 nieces and 1 nephew, but J is his mom�s favorite so this one is pretty special to her.

Speaking of, I am going to vent about the mother-in-law for just a moment. Sigh. I really, really love J�s mom. She is the sweetest, kindest woman. But ever since I first met J, she has passive-aggressively been driving me a little crazy. As I said before, J is her absolute favorite. She has no problem openly admitting that he is �the light in her life� (to quote her). He�s the second oldest, he has an older brother, but you would think that he was her only born from the way she acts and talks. And she is more than a little weird about it.

First of all, during the very first conversation I ever had with her she flat out said that she expected J to end up living back near her in Idaho. (I think her exact words were, �J is so happy when he�s here. He really does need to live near his family.�) And we had only been dating a few WEEKS, people.

But that�s fine, I told myself when we got married. You know J absolutely adores you and he has never once intimated that his mother comes first. In fact, he has several times put his foot down and explained to her that we are doing things our own way.

But still, going home to visit them can really stress me out. It is just so Freudian and creepy to me sometimes. It seems like every time we were sitting together and he would get up and leave just us two she would launch into this long adoration of him. Like how he is her one joy in life and how proud he has made her, and how she wishes so much all of her children would learn from his example and be just like him, and how she knows that he will be right by her side to take care of her in her old age, and isn�t he just so amazing? Yikes! And I�m sitting there thinking, yes, he is wonderful, but good grief, woman, he isn�t perfect! It is creee-py.

Another thing that adds to the creepy factor is the fact that she is supremely disappointed in her husband and the life they have together. They have never had much, and her husband spends most of his time and energy into hunting and fishing. She has openly stated that, except for her children, for the majority of their marriage she has felt it was a mistake to marry him. So it�s like all of her affections and dreams about the man she wished she had married have transferred onto J. And I�m like, back off, lady! He�s mine! (It doesn't help much that I'm a leeetle possesive.)

Sigh.

The thing is, I am really independent. My parents love me dearly, but I�m not the type that needs to have them right beside me or know my every move in life. I�ve been away and on my own for a long, long time. And while J is good about making it clear to his mother that we are living our own lives now, her comments at time can be suffocating and leave me panicked.

Truthfully, we probably will end up living by them when he graduates. I don�t totally have a problem with that: now that we are having kids, I do want them to grow up close to family. And I think that it is absolutely gorgeous up there and a great place to raise kids. After spending time in the crowded, claustrophobic Los Angeles area, I have realized that this is not the place for me. There are things that I love, but in the end, I just need more open space. And it does make much more sense to live by his family, which is centrally located in one area, than to move to Arizona where my mom and sister don�t even live anymore. In fact, my mom has even mentioned that she might look into moving to Boise too!

BUT. But, the thought of living close to his mom can terrify me sometimes. We have already scouted out places in local cities a few miles from her, and she acts like we are talking about living on the other side of the world! I can just picture her dropping in everyday unannounced or making comments about my cooking and child care choices. I just don�t know how I could handle that. And it does break my heart to live so far from my dad and brother. But, hey, my family is so fractured, I would be giving up on one parent one way or another.

So I�m just going to deal. I just need to establish boundaries early on and then stick with them. Fortunately, if there is one thing I�m not, it�s a pushover. I just need to learn not to bristle so easily when she makes those comments.

:::

So J and I celebrated our One Year Anniversary on Monday. Actually, we were on a plane home and I was fighting being sick the whole time. How romantic. Ha. We have a trip planned to Northern California in a few weekends to officially celebrate. I�m excited; cute little bed and breakfasts and a drive up the gorgeous coast. I have to say, it has been a wonderful year. I am always amazed when people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. If that is the case, then I say bring on the �easy� years!

I get nervous every now and then about how the baby will change things. Will I be able to handle the extra work? Will J and I be as close to each other? I guess there is no way that our relationship won�t change, but hopefully it will be for the better. I know he will be the most amazing father. That was one of the things that I saw in him early on. And I have a sneaking suspicion that you can�t help but love the man who loves your child. So I�m sure we�ll be fine.

I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. Yay! I need some medical confirmation that everything is going okay. I�ve already gained some weight, which is mildly freaking me out. I just eat and eat to keep the sickness away (and I�ve been letting myself eat fattening foods that usually never pass my lips). I know I need to accept that those numbers on that scale are going to go for me where they have never gone before, but I want to do this the healthiest way possible.

Also tomorrow: The Olympics!

before ~ after