07.29.04

So, yep, it�s true. As of 2 pregnancy tests and one trip to the doctor, J and I are officially expecting.

I can�t begin to tell you how incredibly crazy it is to type the above statement.

The actual words that the nurse told me were, �You�re pregnant. Very pregnant.� Which, huh, I didn�t know that there were varying degrees of being pregnant.

First of all, Yay! I am deliriously, incredibly giddy-ly happy about this. We have been what you would call �trying� (heh-heh) but you never really think that that thing you do all the time anyways would produce such life-altering results. Go us and our potent reproductive abilities.

Of course, I fully realize that, being only 5 weeks along, there are many things that could go wrong at this point. So I am being cautiously optimistic. We aren�t quite ready to tell our families yet (well, I told my mom�um, and my three best friends, and�for some reason I figure typing it up on the internet for who knows who to read is perfectly fine. Huh).

It is very strange, this being pregnant thing. Aside from some mild cramping and lower back twinges, I don�t really feel any different. For one thing, no one seems to be as concerned about it as we are. I called to make an appointment with a recommended ob/gyn today. This is how it went:

Office lady: Dr. Soandso�s office, how can I help you?

Me: I�d like to make an appointment.

Office lady: Okay, can I ask what this is for?

Me: (Resisting the urge to say �Well, that chlamydia is really oozing up a storm this month� because, really, that is the kind of question I only want asked by my DOCTOR) Oh, um, well�(wait for it) I�M PREGNANT!

Unimpressed Office lady: Right, well, we usually don�t make appointments until after the first 8 weeks.

Me: No, you don�t seem to understand. I have a POTENTIAL HUMAN BEING growing inside of me. Not my normal state, you know, and I�d really like for someone to tell me what the hell is going on in there.

Office lady: Right. 8 weeks.

Me: So what you�re saying is I have 3 weeks until I will have any contact with a certified professional who knows what is normal and what is not? Do you know how badly I could freak myself out in that time? DON�T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET?

Office lady: Okay, then, we�ll see you in about 3 weeks. *click*

Great. So by then I�ll have myself convinced that I am Rh-incompatible, that my cat has given me toxoplasmosis, I�ve got preeclampsia, AND an ectopic pregnancy. Sigh.

But all sarcasm aside, I am so excited about all this. I am walking around with this mysterious smile on my face. I have a wonderful secret that nobody knows. I have these mixed emotions of wanting to tell everyone in sight and yet wanting to keep it all to myself at the same time.

Most of all, I am very relieved. We did it! We have the ability to have children! The waiting to know has been killing me the last few weeks. Am I? Aren�t I? Is that a twinge of morning sickness, or just bad fish from last night? Finally, I had to try the home pregnancy test even though it was a day or two before my period was supposed to start. I got up early before J and took the test, anxiously looking for that second pink line. And? There it was. I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. Then I went in and jumped on top of my sleeping husband to inform him he was going to be a daddy.

J is adorable. He is so excited. He has insisted on helping with housework, getting things off of shelves and other randomly sweet concerned-type things. I could definitely get used to this. Ha.

We were completely ready. A few months back, I was really late. I was freaking out thinking that I could have been pregnant. I wasn�t ready. I needed more time. But then the test came up negative and I started a few days later. I was strangely so disappointed. When I told J about the incident (to which he was oblivious) he surprised me by saying that he wouldn�t have been upset by it�actually, he would have been thrilled. So, we started trying for real a few weeks after that.

I have a few friends that have been trying for quite a while and haven�t been able to conceive. I am not looking forward to telling them my news. I never realized until these last few months what a precious and fragile thing it is to create a baby. You always just kind of assume that you can do it. I mean, people get pregnant all the time by mistake. How sadly ironic that there are those who so desperately want to who can�t.

Anyway, that is kind of how I am still feeling--fragile. My own mother had 6 (six!!) miscarriages, so yes, I am a little anxious. I feel like I am in a really good place, though; like I can handle whatever may come in the next few months. I haven�t had any morning sickness yet (knock on a LOT of wood), but while that is great on the one hand, it would at least be a sign that would reassure me that I�m still pregnant and that everything is proceeding as normal.

Another debate that goes on in my mind is when to tell the family. On the one hand, I canNOT wait. I know my father is going to be so thrilled. He has been wanting grandchildren for years now (even when I was single he would drop hints about marrying someone from Arizona so he could �live close to the grandkids�). On the other hand, that cautious feeling again. We are planning a trip up to Idaho the first week of August, though, and I just know that J isn�t going to make it a whole week with his family without letting them know. Besides, if something were to happen, I would want the support, I guess.

SO.

At this point I could go on about how anxious I am to choose a good doctor to deliver my baby (I�ve got standing appointments with three doctors at the moment), or how excited I am that my cousin and best friend is also pregnant only 6 months ahead of me (her last ultrasound was so awesome--there is a tiny person in there!), or how I am going back and reading pregnancy journals with a whole new interest, but I won�t. I thought about creating a separate pregnancy journal to write all this stuff in, but hey, this is my life right now. If I don�t write about this, then I�m afraid I won�t have too much to write about, will I? So I�m just going to write my life.

The tentative due date is the first week of April. What a wonderful time of year to have a baby.

before ~ after