04.02.05
As I write this entry, I am not yet a mother. It�s still just me and the cat sitting here in my living room. I don�t have a nagging voice in the back of my head wondering what the baby is doing, I am not listening for any cries or coos, I haven�t changed a single diaper. I have had plenty of sleep (true, we�re talking 9-month pregnant sleep, which doesn�t really count, but�). I don�t have anyone to worry about but me. Oh, and I suppose my husband, but he doesn�t require much more than what food, 15 minutes of sex, and ESPN can�t provide.
In a few days, the experience of life as I know it is going to change. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a precipice, about to take a flying leap into the unknown. Sometimes I�m scared. Sometimes I am excited. But mostly, at this point, the wait is killing me. I am ready. I want to jump and get it over with.
I think one of the things that I am most worried about (other than the health of the baby, which is number one) is finding within me the unending patience and unselfishness that I know I am going to need to do this whole motherhood thing. See, I am not the most patient person in the world. I�m a product of a fast-food, cell-phone, instant-gratification generation. Thanks to the internet, I don�t even wait for information anymore. Commercials? Can�t be bothered--someone get me a Tivo. And as God is my witness, I will never wait for dial-up again. So when I try to picture myself calmly explaining to a three-year-old why he mustn�t make that inhuman screeching noise in public for the ten millionth time without getting the desired response, I wonder where this superhuman patience is going to come from.
And then there�s the selfishness. See, unlike my grandmother--and even my mother to some extent--I was not raised with the understanding that motherhood was the only option for my life. I wasn�t necessarily groomed by society to make the well being of other people my main priority. After all, you can�t make other people happy if you�re not happy yourself, right? Isn't that what they tell you? Not to mention the fact that I was single well into my late twenties (and even that was young by today�s standards). My husband does his own laundry. If I don�t want to cook, I don�t. Unlike my mother or grandmother, I had plenty of time to make my own money, buy my own things, and form my own identity. I was told that I can be anything and do anything I wanted and if being a mother was part of that package, then by all means, you can work that in. But I have a feeling that, perhaps, at times, being a mother is going to be a bit�shall we say, inconvenient�to maintaining my current lifestyle. (You know, the lifestyle of impromptu shopping for clothes and CDs, uninterrupted �downtime,� and not to mention, marathon web surfing.)
So I stand here with a bit of trepidation as I realize that motherhood will require me to stretch myself beyond the person that I am today. Will it come with some discomfort? Probably. Will it be worth it? I have a feeling that the answer is most definitely yes. But I�m not planning on being perfect. Life is messy, and having a baby is perhaps the ultimate analogy for life. I�m not ready�but I think that this is something that, if you waited until you were �ready� for, you�d never do it. I�m willing, I�m committed, and I want this more than anything else. So while that might not constitute �ready,� I think it meets the criteria for �ready or not.�
Update: Been having contractions for the past day or so. (Damn, those things have started to HURT!) I�ll be updating my progress over at the new Baby Blog.