03.10.05

It is a joyous day in the A&J household. It is as if the heavens parted, the angels chorus sang, and the light shone down on my lowly little computer. Behold, the power of Cable Internet. I realized long ago that staying home with a newborn and dial-up was not going to be a good combination for my sanity. So, yay for that.

The second piece of good news I got this weekend was after filing our tax return, we found out that we’re getting a HUGE bundle back. You had to pick me up off the floor after that one (or maybe it was pull me off of our accoutant, I can't remember which). Although I would love to use it for an extensive post-baby shopping spree, we’re going to use it to pay off my car loan. Sigh. Practicality can be a bitch. But that’s one less payment to worry about each month. Plus, we’ll be needing some extra “diaper money” for sure.

I think I’ve finally started feeling some Braxton-Hicks contractions here and there. The strong ones at least give me a little hint of what is to come and every now and then the realization hits me that this is going to HURT. That gets me a little scared. It’s easier to not be afraid of the pain when you haven’t got a clue what kind of pain we’re talking about. I think I’m better off not knowing. (Millions of women, millions of women…)

This weekend while J and I were cuddling in front of the TV, I realized that, duh, it’s not going to be just the two of us again for at least another 18 years. Aw. Did make me a little sad. Well, we had a good run. But really, we both felt that it was just time to have this baby. And I’m not worried that this will put more space in between us. Maybe that’s just because I know the kind of hands-on dad that J is going to be. But also, because as strange as this may sound, J and I are just one of those couples who have maybe one or two common interests, and the rest of the time we pretty much just do our own thing (which we’re both fine with). I actually believe that this baby is going to be the strongest common denominator for us now. If anything, I think it will bring our closeness as a couple to a new level.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? I do. I love, love, love being married.

I love being 100% secure in knowing that he will never leave me and never cheat on me. I know that you are thinking right now (and very rightly so) that there is NO WAY to be 100% sure of that, but, I don’t know, I just married that kind of man. If you knew him, you would agree with me. If anything, I worry that I’M the one that would ever be responsible for screwing things up. In fact, I know I would be. It’s not that I would ever cheat; it’s more like I could see myself allowing my neuroses or unrealistic life expectations mess things up. That responsibility upon my back is a little daunting at times, but so far, I’m okay with it. It just makes me more aware. Makes me want to be a better person than I am now.

One thing is for sure; this experience makes me appreciate the man that I married more and more each day. He is so excited--such an unfailing optimist. I teasingly call him my “Pollyanna.” The other day when we were at our Childbirth class, we were talking a walk outside the hospital grounds during a break. The sun was shining and both of us were filled up with babies and birth and the miracle of life. And J looks at me and says, “Did you ever imagine that life would turn out so great? We really do have the fairytale, don’t we?” He was beaming. Suddenly the aches and heartburn and sleepless nights don’t seem so bad after all.

I only have 6 more days of work before my leave. That means only 12 more times in traffic; about 15 more hours of driving time in all.

before ~ after