03.10.05

It is a joyous day in the A&J household. It is as if the heavens parted, the angels chorus sang, and the light shone down on my lowly little computer. Behold, the power of Cable Internet. I realized long ago that staying home with a newborn and dial-up was not going to be a good combination for my sanity. So, yay for that.

The second piece of good news I got this weekend was after filing our tax return, we found out that we�re getting a HUGE bundle back. You had to pick me up off the floor after that one (or maybe it was pull me off of our accoutant, I can't remember which). Although I would love to use it for an extensive post-baby shopping spree, we�re going to use it to pay off my car loan. Sigh. Practicality can be a bitch. But that�s one less payment to worry about each month. Plus, we�ll be needing some extra �diaper money� for sure.

I think I�ve finally started feeling some Braxton-Hicks contractions here and there. The strong ones at least give me a little hint of what is to come and every now and then the realization hits me that this is going to HURT. That gets me a little scared. It�s easier to not be afraid of the pain when you haven�t got a clue what kind of pain we�re talking about. I think I�m better off not knowing. (Millions of women, millions of women�)

This weekend while J and I were cuddling in front of the TV, I realized that, duh, it�s not going to be just the two of us again for at least another 18 years. Aw. Did make me a little sad. Well, we had a good run. But really, we both felt that it was just time to have this baby. And I�m not worried that this will put more space in between us. Maybe that�s just because I know the kind of hands-on dad that J is going to be. But also, because as strange as this may sound, J and I are just one of those couples who have maybe one or two common interests, and the rest of the time we pretty much just do our own thing (which we�re both fine with). I actually believe that this baby is going to be the strongest common denominator for us now. If anything, I think it will bring our closeness as a couple to a new level.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? I do. I love, love, love being married.

I love being 100% secure in knowing that he will never leave me and never cheat on me. I know that you are thinking right now (and very rightly so) that there is NO WAY to be 100% sure of that, but, I don�t know, I just married that kind of man. If you knew him, you would agree with me. If anything, I worry that I�M the one that would ever be responsible for screwing things up. In fact, I know I would be. It�s not that I would ever cheat; it�s more like I could see myself allowing my neuroses or unrealistic life expectations mess things up. That responsibility upon my back is a little daunting at times, but so far, I�m okay with it. It just makes me more aware. Makes me want to be a better person than I am now.

One thing is for sure; this experience makes me appreciate the man that I married more and more each day. He is so excited--such an unfailing optimist. I teasingly call him my �Pollyanna.� The other day when we were at our Childbirth class, we were talking a walk outside the hospital grounds during a break. The sun was shining and both of us were filled up with babies and birth and the miracle of life. And J looks at me and says, �Did you ever imagine that life would turn out so great? We really do have the fairytale, don�t we?� He was beaming. Suddenly the aches and heartburn and sleepless nights don�t seem so bad after all.

I only have 6 more days of work before my leave. That means only 12 more times in traffic; about 15 more hours of driving time in all.

before ~ after