11.09.04

My uncle passed away last Friday night. My cousin did make it in time to see him before he went. He even got to hold her baby girl. I�m sure she will never forget that moment for the rest of her life.

There will be a funeral in Arizona this weekend. Fortunately, I have Friday off from work and will for sure be able to be there.

Right now, I can�t even comprehend that all this is happening. It seems so horribly surreal. I can see my uncle in my mind the way I saw him just last Christmas--alive and jovial, happy to be with the family and surrounded by those he loves. The reality that he is gone just hasn�t set in yet.

It is going to be hard for me to face the family. I am so close to these cousins. It�s their pain that hurts me the most about all this. See, we�re actually double cousins, my cousin and I. I�ll explain it and then give you a minute: her father is my mother�s brother, and her mother is my father�s sister.

Yeah. Made the subject of my parent�s divorce more than a little sticky in their household.

So we are practically sisters, really. I see them at family functions for both sides of the family. We share every uncle, cousin, grandparent, great-aunt�you get the idea. Anyway, I�m not looking forward to the funeral. It is going to be tough. But on the other hand, I wouldn�t miss the chance to share my feelings of love and respect with so many others who feel the same way.

My mom was originally going to boycott the funeral (of her own brother to whom she was really close) because my father and his family were going to be there.

�Sigh.

Remind me again why divorce reduces adults to pre-kindergarten status?

Anyway, she seemed to get over her initial case of the infantile crazies, but you can bet there will be a definite �Hers and His� delineation at the church. How sad.

I�m lucky I got her to show up at my wedding.

:::

On Friday I will officially hit the halfway point for the pregnancy. All of the sudden, it seems like it is going so fast! One week from now I�ll be getting my ultrasound. Yay! Can�t wait to find out if we�re having a girl or a boy. I haven�t bought one single stitch of baby items, but once I know the verdict, I�m sure that will change pretty fast.

I have been feeling much, much better. It�s crazy how fast I�ve been growing the last few weeks. I�m officially in maternity clothes. The one thing that has bothered me is that I haven�t really felt the baby move since that first initial fluttering a few weeks ago. I have a fetal monitor at home, so I know the baby is still okay, but I wish I could feel some definite movement. Still, it�s early, and as long as I hear that heartbeat, I�m not terribly worried.

When I went to go visit my Pregnant Cousin (now not-so-pregnant) in the hospital, I cried the first time I held her little girl. Not only was she the most beautiful thing I had ever seen (full head of hair, rosebud lips, chubby cheeks), but I was amazed at how I could instantly love her because of how much I love my cousin.

And then she reminded me that in a few months, I would have one of my own. That just blew my mind. But also, in some small way, I could begin to understand that the love I will feel for my baby is going to completely amaze me. I know that I can�t now even begin to comprehend it.

I�m excited for that. Because for once in my life, this is a love that will be completely unconditional. There won�t be any silly �trust issues,� or fear of getting my heart broken (at least not for a decade or so when the hormones start to kick in, hopefully); of not being witty enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough; and most importantly, I won�t have any expectations of getting something in return.

I�m excited because I think that this may be the closest I'll get to this �perfect love� thing that I once read somewhere about.

before ~ after