10.28.04

You know, I�m not quite sure when this happened.

Throughout the years, whenever I was asked what my favorite season or favorite time of year was, I always said, �summer� without one bit of hesitation. Of course, summer. School�s out and the sun is shining. Carefree days and warm lazy nights. Only, as I�ve mentioned here before, that�s not quite what summer is anymore.

And as I was watching the clouds gather in the Southern California sky over the past week, and as that crisp alive feeling came to the cooling air outside, I noticed that my heart was feeling happy. It warmed over the addition of pumpkins at the grocery store, and felt nostalgic when I browsed through the Halloween costumes. It even felt a bit of mixed emotion at the appearance of Christmas items (Christmas?!) next to the discounted masks and face paint. (On the one hand, Yay! Christmas! But on the other, GEEZ, people, let me enjoy my damn holidays one at a time, PLEASE!!)

I. Love. Autumn. I love it! I love watching the leaves change (or, in my case here in L.A., the LEAF change); I love the anticipation of seeing family (which, let�s be honest, is often times better than the actual seeing of the family); I even love, as of late, needing to pull out a blanket for the couch while watching TV. It�s all very warm and cozy and comforting to me.

And after coming to this sudden realization, I plan to enjoy every second of it.

:::

I�ve been trying to expand my cooking skillz as of late and have to say that I am an allrecipes.com ADDICT. Love that site. I made the most AMAZING Chicken-Tortilla Soup the other night by combining two of the recipes I found on there. I was very impressed with myself. It was nice to hear J declare his love for the soup as well. I love to cook new fun stuff, when I have the time. And the energy. Oh, and all the ingredients close at hand. Sooo, yeah, not too often.

:::

So I had my first complete pregnancy meltdown last week. Ugh, was it ugly. I mean, you read about hormones and emotions and all that, but for the most part, I am not into blaming my behavior on hormones. I just like to think I�m more in control than that. But the other night? Not pretty.

It had been a rough night for me to begin with and I was slightly upset when I got home anyway, but I thought I had things under control. So there J and I were sitting on the couch watching Survivor (bleh, this season sucks) and I looked over and saw my adorable cat walk in the room.

Me: �Aw. Hi, kitty! Whatcha doin, huh kit��

J: (interrupting) �Hey kitty! What�s up kitty? Want to play kitty? Huh?�

Me: (glaring with a sudden onslaught of rage) �Why do you have to do that?�

J: �What?�

Me: �Every time I start to play with the cat, or talk to the cat, or LOOK at the cat, you have to immediately jump in and try to take over. Why can�t you just let ME talk to the cat?�

J: �Uh�I was just saying hi to the cat!�

Me: �Oh, and you just HAPPENED to pick THIS EXACT TIME to start paying attention to the cat? Just when I�M paying attention to the cat?! Is this how it�s going to be when we have the BABY?! (voice warning of my completely irrational state going off in my head--powerless to stop somehow) IT IS, ISN�T IT! IT�S GOING TO BE A HUGE COMPETITION FOR ATTENTION BETWEEN US WHEN THE BABY�S HERE ISN�T IT!!�

J: (very confused, slightly hurt look on his face) �Uh. Okay. I�m going to go do the dishes, you crazy, hormonal bitch� (except he didn�t say that last part; at least not out loud)

Me: (ten minutes later) �Hey honey. You sure look cute today.�

J: (grunt of acknowledgement because he�s still upset)

Me: �So�you want to go fool around?�

J: (incredulous) �Are you kidding me? You just bit my head off for no reason! Excuse me if I�m just not in the mood!�

Me: (suddenly very offended that I�m being rejected) �You�re turning me down? You�ve been sighing about how ever since I got pregnant I�m never in the mood and YOU�RE TURNING ME DOWN?! AM I THAT FAT? AM I THAT DISGUSTING TO YOU?!�

J: (realizing that I�m about two seconds away from Glenn-Close-boil-the-bunny status wisely stays silent)

Me: (reaching official meltdown point and finally realizing just how completely psycho I�ve been acting and dissolving into a mass of tears and sobs) ��OH, HONEY! I�M SO SORRY! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I AM ACTING LIKE AN INSANE PERSON! I�M SO OVERWHELMED! I JUST CAN�T DO THIS! LOOK AT ME! I�M GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE MOTHER!�

And here�s the part where J officially becomes the Best Husband in the World. He just comes over and takes me in his arms and lets me cry like the broken, hormonal, crazy woman that I am while telling me everything is going to be okay and that I�m going to be a great mom.

So then I calm down and feel slightly better and start getting ready for bed, only I need to find something to wear for the next day. I realized that it�s going to be cold and don�t have any winter clothes yet. Then I did the stupidest thing possible. I thought, �Hey, I have a bunch of winter stuff packed away. I�m sure some of those big sweaters would fit me!� So I start going through my winter collection trying to find something to fit. This at almost 4 months pregnant. And at ten o�clock at night.

It only took about three tightly stretched, misshapen, no-way-in-hell-this-ever-fit-you-you-fat-cow tops to send me straight into meltdown mode again.

This time J walked in and said, �That�s IT! You are going STRAIGHT to bed!�

So I did.

And he was even still there when I woke up the next morning. Aw.

before ~ after