10.21.04

My husband sent me an email on Monday to remind me that it was exactly two years ago that day that we met at a party I had reluctantly agreed to attended.

It still amazes me when I think about how that worked. I mean after years of getting my hopes up and then getting let down, years of getting mad at myself for holding on to some stupid fairytale, years of thinking that I had set my expectations too high--I went to a party that I really didn�t want to go to in the first place. And then when I met someone there who was cute, but just didn�t seem to be �my type,� I, for once, decide to give him a chance.

Because you never know.

Ain�t that the truth.

Our lives can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse. I recently posted on someone�s blog that I believed that �life is essentially made up of moments of intense happiness and intense sadness amid a sea of the ordinary. That �ordinary� can range from peaceful and satisfying to frustrating and mundane. It is what we make it. That doesn't mean we can't look forward and plan for what we hope will be intensely happy moments or that we won't be anxious and dread the inevitable sad ones. We can't expect every day to be like a trip to Disneyland--that would diminish those times we actually are at Disneyland. I think the trick (for me) is to find one thing (or several) each day that makes that day meaningful for ME. Just one moment to stop the routine and be aware of...whatever, something, ANYTHING, that I might have missed otherwise.�

You can�t give up trying, and you can�t give up hoping. You may not like your current life situation, but don�t ever forget that this is YOUR LIFE. It is the one thing that is completely in your hands. When I think of it in those terms, I sometimes get dizzy with the sense of power. We all have limitations, and the trick is to stretch yourself within those limitations. When you stop to think about it, wow, you can do so much with what you have.

I forget that so often. I get caught up in the limitations and forget about the remaining possibilities.

I used to get so sad about being single. I don�t even think �sad� is the right word. Nor is pity. I didn�t necessarily feel sorry for myself. It was more that I felt like I was limited somehow because I hadn�t found that someone yet. Yes, definitely like my life was on a holding pattern. And even when I was being active and focusing on my career and traveling and considering going back to school and just�LIVING my life, in the back of my mind I was always waiting. I tried to escape it, but when that is what you want most in life, can you honestly say you ever do? You can be busy and distracted. You can lie to yourself and say you don�t care. You can even most certainly be happy (which I was). But I was subconsciously holding my breath.

So now I�ve �exhaled,� right? This is it. This is what I was waiting for? Well�yeah. It is. I do feel that I have crossed a huge bridge and am continuing my journey all the better for it. But the funny thing is that I am not really much more happy than I was when I was single.

Sure, I feel infinitely much more �fulfilled� than I was before, much less unsure of my future. But the truth is I was pretty darn happy before I met J. It�s just that now I have someone to share that happiness with.

And I�m really grateful that I feel that way. I remember once hearing one of my mom�s friends say that her �life had only really begun when she met her husband.� At the time I thought that was really sweet and terribly romantic. But now, I just think, man, so she thought the twenty-something years of perfectly good life before then was what? A waste? That empty? How sad.

Of course, you can think that it�s pretty easy for me to say all this now that I�m married and have someone that I love. And you�re right. It probably is in hindsight. I don�t wan to make it sound like it was all butterflies and sunshine. In fact, there were times when I was angry and bitter; when I had my heart broken and truly felt that the world would always be a little bent from that point on. Honestly, in a way, it was. But what I loved most about my single life was the sharpness of my sensibilities. I was living in a state of a constant and extreme sense of self-awareness and self-discovery. I became my own best friend in those lonely years. I saw the very best and the very worst of myself, without having someone else to blame anything on. It forced me to take full accountability for my every decision and, ultimately, my every happiness.

It made me stronger and it gave me the opportunity to appreciate the capable, if far from perfect, woman I had become.

I would like to think that if it hadn�t worked out (again) and I was still on my own today, that I would still be in that place. Lonely, yes, but in a continual process of discovery. Scared about my future, definitely, but ready to forge ahead despite the unknown.

So I don�t look upon that night that J and I met as the night I was �saved.� He may have been my knight in shining armor, but he didn�t rescue me. Meeting J that night at that party was magical. It was, for me, who had become cynical and discouraged, a little bit of a miracle. And it was completely unexpected. It has enhanced my life in more ways than I thought possible.

But it wasn�t the night that my life �finally started.� I had a pretty good thing going, and I was lucky enough to convince him to join me.

Thanks, babe, for taking that leap.

before ~ after