09.17.04

First of all, thank you for all the great feedback and words of encouragement I�ve been getting from my last post. I haven�t had time to write everyone back yet, so I just wanted to say that up front.

I haven�t decided yet what we�re going to do about the cruise issue yet, but I�m definitely going to do some research with pediatricians and cruise lines and whatnot and will let you know. I�m really torn because there is a part of me that knows getting the baby and all the stuff there would be a colossal pain and very likely slightly traumatic, but the other part of me thinks that it would be worth it. We�ll see. I did ask my Ob/Gyn about it, though and he said that health-wise, it should be perfectly fine. Anyway, I was looking online today and a lot of cruise lines won�t even allow babies under 6 months, so this all may be a very moot issue. (Hee. Moo point. I miss Friends.)

As for my dad, I didn�t have the presence of mind when I was on the phone with him the other day to find out exactly when he is going for the MRI. I know I need to call him, but part of me would rather stay oblivious to the whole thing. Kind of like using the highly effective La-la-la-I�m-not-listening coping method. The truth is, the thought of losing my father terrifies me. Throughout my entire life, he has been my rock. He was the one constant when my mom was off on her mid-life crisis, and the one person that I respect above all others. Losing him would feel like losing my safety net in life.

Update: I talked to my stepmom and he went in yesterday for the MRI. The doctor�s said that there hasn�t been any growth, so that is really good news. She couldn�t remember the exact medical term for the problem, but apparently it is a benign growth, �like a wart� to use their terms, and as long as it doesn�t grow larger and press against the brain matter, my dad should be fine. They are going to radiate it, though, and try and shrink or kill it altogether.

I DO feel much, much better--and very grateful; although I would feel best if he didn�t have the problem at all. It just makes me nervous knowing that there is something there that shouldn�t be.

The funny thing was, when I first talked to my dad, even though I was freaking out for myself, I couldn�t stop thinking about my stepmom, �K.� Her first husband died of cancer when she was 32 and had 3 little kids. He was sick for 2 years before he died, and she had spent those years caring for him as he wasted away. I can�t imagine how it would be for her if she had to go through something like that again with my father. It makes me cry just thinking about it. (I really do love her, despite all the differences.)

Anyway, she won�t have to, so I�m not going to think about it.

(exhale)Okay. Now on to more happy thoughts!

Baby news: So I went in yesterday and they actually found a heartbeat! Aww. It was so awesome. I really do have a hard time picturing what is really going on inside my body, but hearing that heartbeat definitely helps.

And also? There is a heartbeat. Of another being. Inside my body. So, am I the only one that gets a little of an �Alien� vibe when I say it like that? Ha. But seriously, I am GROWING ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE OF ME. Creeepy. And yet phenomenally cool.

There is really no way to describe it. It IS weird when you think about the logistics of it, but when I think of it in terms of my child, then it is beautiful, wonderful, amazing.

So I am finally feeling relaxed enough to enjoy this pregnancy. I�m 12 weeks (as of yesterday) and actually feel comfortable enough now to start telling people other than family. I�ve got boy names and girl names that I like. I am trying hard not to freak out too much about the fact that the last pair of my �baggy� jeans are starting to get too tight. I am helping my mom come up with a name we can call her other than �grandma.� (She refuses, ha, I KNEW she would. Also, if you have any cute nicknames for grandmothers, send them my way.)

I am feeling overall incredibly blessed. I knew in the beginning that if I was really sick or tired, that my life would be hell. I have a 2 � hour daily driving commute. I can�t cut back my hours here at work. I was really nervous about all that, but then right when we made the decision to start trying, I felt peace about it. And all I can say is we have been blessed. That�s one of the reasons that I have tried not to complain even when I did feel sick. I was lucky. I may not be, next time.

Hahahaha. Next time. Heh.

before ~ after