02.26.06

I�m sitting here enduring my way through Dancing With the Stars waiting for Grey�s Anatomy to start (and I cannot BELIEVE that George slept with Meredith, except that I totally can. Because I have been there. You know that totally �screw it� attitude where you know you shouldn�t but you�re really sick of being alone so you do anyway and deal with the regret later). And I decided to write something.

I decided to write something because I miss the online community. And because the longer I go without writing, the more and more silent that person inside me gets. The one that wants to reach out and make a difference, the one that likes to blast punk music really loud and drive with my window down on a sunny day while wearing sparkly lip gloss, the one that at one time wasn�t a wife, or a mother, or even a girlfriend, but just ME.

Anyway, I�m here in Amarillo, Texas; the Hub of the Panhandle, the �Stars at night��, and all that crap. It�s fun being back in the Lone Star State (I lived in Dallas for a few years growing up). People here really are as friendly as they say, and it is crazy how different life is the further away from the �coasts� that you get. But we only have one car and since it�s been cold, J has been driving it to work so that leaves me home alone with the baby all day and I have to say it is killing me softly. BUT it�s only for 3 months, and once the weather warms up J is biking it so I suppose I�ll survive.

The baby. Ack, the baby. Mason is GORGEOUS. He is amazing and brilliant and crawling and pulling himself up like a madman. He is standing on his own and so close to walking that it is crazy. It is about 10 times more work since he�s been on the move, but I love it. LOVE IT. Go see how gorgeous he is.

J so far has 2 job offers, both of which are NOT in Idaho and are, in fact, in Arizona (hallelujah). They are for a semi-ridiculous (to me) amount of money, and even though we have accrued enough student debt to buy outright our first house, it will not be long before money is actually coming IN as opposed to constantly going OUT.

I am feeling unbelievably and unjustifiably blessed.

I�m still me and of course, couldn�t possibly just live my life without The Angst.

There is the I�m Turning 30 and Haven�t Done Half of What I Wanted To By Then Angst.

There is the I Still Have 15 Pounds of Baby Weight to Lose and No Desire to Exercise Angst.

And lurking about is the I�ve Lost the Desire to Do Many of the Things that I Used to Enjoy and Really Miss That Person Angst.

I watch way too much TV, and can�t for the life of me seem to constructively manage my time. Plus, I�ve realized that I use shopping to fill a hollow void in me where I used to use reading, writing, and reaching out to friends.

There is lots to write about. Because ignoring it all isn�t really working.

before ~ after