01.25.05

Actually writing an entry here at home. They�re reconfiguring the servers and the network at work, and I�ve heard some nasty rumors about internet access restriction in the coming weeks. I�m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Can�t they just wait until I take my maternity leave? So inconsiderate.

I�ve been in such a funk as of late. I�m entering the home stretch of the pregnancy, but everything feels like it has come to a sloooow stop. If it was hard for me to get motivated about work before, it is nearly impossible now. And coming home at night to cook dinner, do the dishes and collapse into bed only to have to get up at 5 a.m. to do it all over again is wearing me down. J tries to pick me up, but in a weird way, I feel so lonely. He just has no idea what I�m going through right now. And frankly, I don�t either. He wants me to explain to him why I�m down and what he can do to help. He�s sweet, and I wish I could help him out but it�s just not something I can explain. I want to think that it�s hormones, or a minor pre-post-partum depression thing. Maybe I�ll get that out of the way now and won�t have to deal with anything like it after the baby comes.

My anxiety levels have been on the rise; that vague unsettling feeling is back in the pit of my stomach. And I�m feeling a whole mix of things. I am scared. And I�m not even talking about the actual delivery. I mean, this is just so huge of a change. I�m going to be in charge of a little person. Not only that, but I�m going to be giving up everything I�ve ever known as far as life goes. I worry about feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and resentful. That�s how my mom ended up, and I don�t want to be anything like her as far as that goes.

I�m reminding myself that I get like this every now and then anyway, and that it really is temporary. And I�m stopping myself and making a list of all the things that will make it worth it and will give me the ability to rise to this new and exciting challenge in my life.

Because logically in my head, I know that this mother gig is going to be tough. And I know that I will get frustrated and discouraged at times. But I also believe that meeting this little person who lives inside of me now is going to be a life-changing experience. I know that I can�t now comprehend the love that I will feel or the instincts that will kick in as soon as they put him in my arms. There will be a million little things that will give me the strength and the courage to let go of my own selfishness and fears of inadequacy.

There will be soft baby skin, and sweet baby sighs in his sleep. There will be precious little fingers and toes, and itty-bitty fingernails. There will be a small hand reaching out to touch my face, and later on, crooked smiles from still-learning lips.

And I can feel the tears coming just from typing that short little list. And I can feel the warmth in my chest that is the first stirrings of a mother�s love. It�s there; it�s in there. And all of the sudden I feel okay, and I know that everything is going to be all right.

:::

As for the Oscars, it really saddens me that the majority of movies nominated (and the people involved) are films that I had ABSOLUTELY no desire to see.

Million Dollar Baby? I am done with the boxing shows. And Hilary Swank annoys the living crud out of me. But I could almost overlook all that to see Morgan Freeman act. Brilliant.

The Aviator? Just the commercials alone put me to sleep. And Leonardo �I-just-can�t-quite-hit-puberty� DiCaprio always comes off pretentious and snotty to me no matter what role he is playing. Like, �Hey, look at me. I�m an actor. Look at me acting here!� Bleh.

Finding Neverland. Okay, this one I wanted to want to go see. I really did. I love Jonny Depp and Kate Winslet. But for some reason, this just didn�t grab me and I�m afraid that when I do see it (which I probably will) I will be left feeling a bit not-grabbed still.

Ray. Want to see it. Will see it. Because Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles is just uncanny.

Sideways. Hadn�t even heard of it until a month or two ago. But hurray for quirky movies with rich character development. Will probably see it when I find someone who also appreciates these types of movies as well to see it with (maybe my mom sometime; J is definitely out).

But answer me this, oh Acadamy Gods, why, WHY, couldn�t you find it in you to nominate Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Soul or even Garden State? The AVIATOR?!? Come ON. Show me how that film even made the smallest impact on the lives of the audience and I might grant you best director. HAVE YOU NO SOULS? NO HEART? DID YOU NOT SEE THESE MOVIES?

Gah.

As I�m not going to get what I want here, obviously, I will be content as long as neither Million Dollar and The Aviator nor Leonardo and Hilary Swank win in their respective categories.

I do not plan on being entirely content.

before ~ after