05.16.04

I saw the movie In America tonight, and it just about broke my heart.

:::

You watch movies like that and you just want to believe that people really are that beautiful.

That life can cut so sharp sometimes that it forces you to see clearly. That families stick together no matter what.

I admit, I cried. Not the crying-out-loud sobs kind; more like the kind that well up in your eyes until the last possible second and then spill down your cheeks when you can�t hold them in any more.

J doesn't quite get it when a movie affects me this way. He sees me crying and he wants to comfort me--to pat my hand and say reassuringly, �It's okay, baby�� But I don't want that. I want to enjoy my moment. It reminds me what this whole being �alive� thing is really about. I want it to change me. I don�t want to take all this for granted.

I want to let it all in. I want to internalize the story's heartache and the pain. I look beyond the characters and try to find the truth behind the acting. To realize that these people and this story reflects the stories of real people. What are movies, anyway, but life amplified. The happy ending that we don't often get. The way we hope we really are deep down inside.

Of course, I know it wasn�t very realistic. In real life, that little family would have probably fallen apart. Or at least ended up on the streets or in claims court. But I like to think that things like that do happen every once and a while. And I want to believe in the beauty of it. I want to believe in us.

I don�t talk much afterward. I have to let movies like that resonate for a while. I don�t want to break the spell. J hates that. He thinks I�m depressed or upset. I�m not. I�m actually just fine.

I know, I�m a sap. I know that most people don�t react as deeply to movies or books like I do. And I don�t like to go around feeling this way about every film that comes along. But I�m glad that some stories touch me the way they do. Even if it does make me feel a bit lonely sometimes.

:::

Right after the movie ended and I had inconspicuously dried my tears, J turned on the TV. I heard him say, �Oh, this is a classic.� When I turned to the screen to see what was on, I literally groaned out loud.

It was Turner and Hooch.

Sigh. So much for the spell.

before ~ after